Love as a Perpetuum Mobile – Secrets of Long-Lasting Relationships
Couple Relationships: One of the most spoken about yet misunderstood topics today
All too often relationships are relegated to the backseat of our lives, being considered more like an annexe than an integral, fundamental part of life that should be given its rightful place in the front seat, helping us to steer and navigate through the curves and bends of the tumult of earthly existence. For this reason I am starting a new series about the couple relationship as I consider this to be one of the most important subjects that we face as human beings.
The couple relationship is one of those aspects of life that takes up a lot of our time and energy, but at the same time it is deeply misunderstood. Proper education on this topic would revolutionise our lives from the inside out. Often the feeling of togetherness and love that we experience in the couple relationship triggers an experience of profoundness that is much more than we normally have in our daily existence. It is for this reason that relationships occupy a very important part of our time, our attention, and our chats – they are a source of so much joy, fulfilment, and happiness and at the same time can be the cause of so much suffering, unhappiness, and anxiety. I hope through this series I can help you to cultivate the former and let go of the latter, by making your couple relationship a “happiness factory” and a powerful engine to empower your life for the better.
Most of us learn about relationships from our parents, good and bad, and from the social norms, from our friends and acquaintances and from the very lame examples in popular culture. We compare ourselves, usually materialistically, to our friends and neighbours. “This is what everyone does, so let’s do like them”. Or we try to outdo each other, indulging in competitive tendencies that only further alienate and divide us instead of bringing us closer to our true selves and each other.
A consciously assumed couple relationship gives us the chance to step out of the ego, again and again and again… The one we are in love with is a constant reminder of this need of our soul to break free from the limiting chains of the ego that tricks us into believing we are limited, separated individuals, instead of the godly creations we are. In these times of spiritual degeneration and excessive materialism, when egoism is at an all-time high, this is now more important than ever. And we have the tools at our fingertips. All we need is to consciously cultivate a relationship applying the necessary spiritual principles and to help each other through the difficult times as well as enjoying fully the amazing spiritual heights we can scale together. Together we can shatter the illusion of separation.
Our happiness depends on our ability to expand our consciousness, and we can experience it as little or as much as we want, according to the limits we impose on ourselves. Happiness grows and wanes according to the expansion and contraction of our consciousness. The couple relationship helps us to let go of our own individuality – the first step on the path of expansion of the consciousness. In this way we can see how it is an amazing tool and chance for spiritual growth.
Relationships are a wonderful way to grow spiritually, unparalleled in my opinion. What better way could there be to spiritually grow than together with your beloved, engaging in sublime games of polarity, love and intimacy that help us to transform as individual souls and at the same time grow a beautiful, fulfilling relationship with another human being that enriches our lives and can also inspire others? Given the choice of ascetic spiritual practices in withdrawal from the world, or tantric spiritual couple practices that fully embrace life in the world here and now, which would you choose? What could be better than experiencing the ultimate Oneness with the one you love?
If a gram of practice is worth a ton of theory, what better way to engage in practice, spiritually growing and learning in the most efficient way possible, than together with someone you love…putting into practice all those amazing spiritual lessons on a background of deep love and happiness.
Please enjoy this foray into the magical realm of intimacy, love and sublime connection that is the couple relationship.
Love Is A Godly Gift
The discovery of the Self is a fascinating adventure, a journey full of experiences which you can make either alone or together with someone special… In a couple, spiritual transformation occurs much faster and more efficiently. And as we all look for accomplishment through love, it is more natural to step towards the peaks of perfection together with our beloved.
Love is the godly gift for which we must be profoundly grateful. It is the key that opens the gate towards the absolute; the magical catalyst of any beneficial becoming. For instance, anyone who has practiced meditation for a longer period of time knows how difficult it is to experience spiritual states with an agitated, thought-filled, stressed-out mind, but when we fall in love, this gate towards the absolute opens with extraordinary ease; because love is a very clever way of tricking the ego.
The happiness of the other one spontaneously comes above our own happiness, and the other one’s wishes come above our own wishes. Love makes us open and generous, and the empathic quest of the other one’s soul brings us closer to our own soul.
Accept The Differences
Due to the complex processes of polarity and polarisation, any experience, any state, and any beneficial energy have a very profound echo in a couple. If you have ever done a meditation with the one you love – or any other spiritual exercises – you know that where there are two, the power increases. And not arithmetically, according to the ordinary 1+1=2, but sometimes exponentially. Together, two souls expand through love, and head towards the awakening of Self-consciousness. And this is sometimes easier and faster than if done separately.
Evolution in a couple also brings another advantage – objectification through reflection in the other one. Our beloved is like a mirror. Do you like what you see in it? This means that you are all right yourself. You don’t like it anymore? Then it is possible you are not on the right track yourself. Within a spiritual couple, if you know how to look at it, the relationship will always show you where you are heading, and the chances to deviate are reduced. Of course, the other one will not necessarily tell you: “You know, your morning meditation was a little bit like «ice-skating» … you were not really focused”. But when it comes to everyday life – the smallest gestures or actions, the way in which love blossoms or, on the contrary, seems to wither, gives us clues about our spiritual evolution. If your beloved fascinates you, if you find her or him to be wonderful, if you feel you can open towards her or him with your entire heart, this shows that you are fascinating, wonderful and worthy of total trust. The other one is merely your reflection.
When we fall in love, we see in the mirror of the other one the incarnation of our own aspirations. Through transfiguration, we experience the euphoric sensation of coming out of our own inner “prison”. We feel reborn. Everything is perfect, unique. We are happy that the other one appeared. We charge her or him with all our aspirations, with all our wishes, and also with all those things we are not conscious about. The other one is a “support” for all our projections. But if she or he remains with us for a longer period of time, we slowly, slowly begin to come back, without being aware of it, to the initial point of view. We return to our own limitations. The expanded, generous vision we had becomes blurred in the preoccupation for ourself, which conflicts, most of the time, with the interests of the other one. And in this way a blockage appears!
Unfortunately, we very often have the tendency to look upon the tensions or differences which appear as something almost irremediable. From the very beginning, in the moment a misunderstanding, a fight, or a disagreement appears, we tend towards final, definitive positions. “No. I won’t leave until you tell me why you did this or that, until you explain to me. If you don’t agree with me, it’s over, I’m finished with you!”
The disappointment that things are obviously not as we imagined overwhelms the wish to make things work. This reaction shows that the perspective on the relationship is not constructive; it is not evolutionary. Still, no one who practices yoga and feels a sudden pain in the knee will say to her or himself: “Well, no, such a thing is impossible! Either you succeed in doing the asana, or I don’t talk to you anymore! It is intolerable that you do such a thing to me!” Normally we look upon such a thing with optimism. We might say: “Well my knee hurts now, but I will take it easy and it will be solved. I will use some balm and it will be fine. Or I will try again tonight, when I am even more flexible…”
We have another strategy when it is about that which we consider as being part of ourselves. We are tolerant and accept the dialogue; we cooperate, understand, and often become too merciful. We are reluctant to give definitive verdicts, instead we look for solutions, having in mind all the time, even if at the subconscious level, that we’ll continue together until the end. When we are in love, the other one is one with us and everything is wonderful. But when the first disharmony appears and we take a radical position – “Either you do like me, or we’re through!”, this is a clear sign that the ardent love of the beginning has cooled down a little and we are no longer in the state of unison. Giving up instantly, out of fear of difficulties, shows a lack of trust in the transforming potential of the being through love. In fact, it shows that the commitment in that couple was not “entire”. In this way, the relationship does not fulfil its mission of leading us all the way.
Make Space For Spontaneity
The couple relationship evolves as a child of the two lovers. It grows and has a development of its own, often in an unforeseeable manner. This is why each relationship is unique. The child is not only his or hers, it is both his and hers to an equal extent and to an equal … responsibility. The relationship is somewhere in the middle; it has its own needs and aspirations – which, through the perspective of love, is a wise middle ground of the needs and aspirations of the two beings.
Exactly like parents educate their child, but still they cannot impose on that soul their ways in life, the couple relationship grows according to its own reasoning. It will bring to light all that is necessary for the souls of the two beings to flourish. Maybe the mother wants him to be a pianist, while the father wants him to be a Formula One driver, but the child will follow his own way. Maybe he will become, let’s say, a good mechanical engineer, while playing the organ in his spare time. The demand that the relationship should develop only in a certain way and not in any other way is counterproductive, and an attitude like, “It is either as I say or I leave”, is a surefire way to kill it. As the wise ones say: “it doesn’t matter who is right, what matters is who loves”.
Unfortunately many couples do not survive the initial crisis that can lead to the first deeper awareness about their relationship. What is the point in talking about the child’s future career, if at the first sign of flu or the first fever attack the child dies?! If our concern is that our spiritual life integrates the couple relationship we will have a more responsible attitude. And we become aware that we must understand the message of this love, we must go all the way and let it fulfil its mission of transforming us.
Nourish The Relationship With Spiritual Aspiration
Axiom: a true couple relationship transforms us. If it does not transform us, it means it died in infancy. Unfortunately, some people do not realize this and, indeed, “they live with the corpse in the house”.
We have all had the opportunity to see a funeral… in the form of a couple relationship. This is because many people behave exactly like parents who play irresponsibly with their child until he dies because they forgot to feed him! God offers us love, but its longevity depends on us. We must take care of it, give it that portion of daily attention, that dose of transfiguration, nourish it from the inside and in this way love will grow, it will blossom, it will resist all odds.
We have all met someone who tells the same story about several relationships in a row. If they look back they see nothing but a long row of crosses. All marking the premature deaths of their relationships. This happens when we do not look upon the couple as a godly gift which we have to take care of, together with the necessary sacrifices, but as something bought from a supermarket shelf with the attitude of a consumer. We tear off the wrapping paper – which is always attractive, we look inattentively to its contents and, before even reading the “instruction manual”, we rush to tear off the wrapping paper of the next gift.
The couple relationship is about much more than this. It is also about responsibility when the lovers have an intense aspiration and a well-defined spiritual goal. In this way they are prepared for transformation. Even if crises appear, they overcome them together, using, among other things, that which each of them achieves in the process of their inner becoming.
In addition, any relationship wears the hallmark of the predominant level at which our consciousness is situated. We always treat or even look at the others according to our respective level. As objects which ensure our survival, in the case of the first energetic center, Muladhara Chakra; as objects of our pleasure, when we are mostly situated at Swadisthana Chakra; or as objects to be exploited, upon whom we impose our authority – at the level of the third energetic center, Manipura Chakra. Only Anahata Chakra has the perspective of true love, based on self-giving and altruism. It is here at this level that we discover that the other one is also… human; And she or he has her or his needs and aspirations. This is why we cannot say that we really love as long as our consciousness is not focused most of the time at least at the level of the energetic center of affection.
Choose Love-Making with Erotic Amorous Continence
The sexual, creative energy is the foundation of life. We are all here because of it. We appeared in the world through this power. It manifests in a couple, more than anywhere else, in an active way and it produces the dynamism of the relationship.
In the Tantric vision, the practice of amorous continence, the very control of the erotic energy while making love, helps us to better understand polarization in the couple and to fully enjoy all the advantages it brings. The choice of alchemizing sexuality instead of giving up on it, making it sacred, instead of condemning it, can turn our relationship into a wonderful perpetuum mobile. Love and amorous continence ensure transformation and spiritual expansion, and this generates even more love and so on. You continuously fall in love with the other one because, through this transformation, she or he is constantly another person, unique, more special, more different… Thus, we escape the danger of stagnation and boredom in the couple and we ensure our evolution in a dizzying, ascendant beatific spiral.
Artwork: “Cosmic Union” by Ines Honfi
It is more correct to say “staying in the state of love” than “more love”, because in a couple it is not the quantitative, but the qualitative aspect which matters. The energy of love is infinite, we either are, or we are not, in resonance with this energy. Thus, we automatically obtain “more love” by keeping ourselves for a long enough period of time in resonance with the state of love! In the beginning, being freshly in love, we easily maintain this. But in time, and together with all sorts of trials, we risk to slide out of it.
The Empathic Quest Of The Other One’s Soul Brings Us Closer To Our Own Soul
How to still remain in unison with the energy of love? You know from riding a bike that you can stay balanced only when you are in motion – the moment you stop, you fall. When you keep pedalling it is easy to stay on the seat, even if the surface of the wheels is very narrow.
Remember when you learnt how to ride a bike, you intuitively made zig-zag movements in order to balance yourself. In the same way, we keep ourselves in the state of love. We make readjustments in our attitudes within the couple; we make small transformations whenever they are needed. When we love and we practice transmutation and sublimation of the love-making energy through continence, this very energy keeps the transformation processes alive at all the levels, and we fall in love again and again, permanently.
Falling in love was given to us by God. Falling in love again and and again and keeping ourselves in love is our task. If we succeed, the couple relationship becomes an engine of our spiritual evolution. This is exactly why we must offer to love, and to our couple relationship, the right place in our life. The place from where it is able to engage all the “horse-power” and to propel us with energy, enthusiasm, and rapidity to the level of evolution we wish for. At this level we must never worry that we exceed the legal speed, but to be happy that we have attained the speed of light.
All of these aspects can be achieved through a common spiritual practice, through the SADHANA of the couple, of the “child” of the two lovers. We will soon post a follow-up to this article, including some wonderful details about this essential ingredient in a true relationship.
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