Intimacy and Career: Do these two exclude each other? – PART 1

August 12th, 2023

Do you choose intimacy & relationships, or career & work? I chose to address this topic because it has been one of the most frequently asked questions I have heard in all my years of teaching, personal training and advising others — how can we bridge these two major segments of our life that seem to be almost antagonistic?

Very often our aspirations for our professional life and career seem to push out the possibility to be truly happy and fulfilled in our intimate relationships. And on the other hand, when we choose to pay attention to cultivate intimacy and happiness in the relationship, it seems like we basically need to sacrifice our career, at least to a certain degree. One of the two, but often both, are sacrificed as time passes, without us really noticing.

The problem, in fact, begins in our consciousness that creates this disparity between success in the workplace and happiness in the couple relationship. The former is designed so that it almost opposes happiness by definition; it is serious and efficient, and we behave in a corresponding way. In intimacy though, we’re not looking for ‘efficiency’ – we cannot judge a relationship on the same criteria.

The Intensifying Factor

As well as the above, in recent times we have a new intensifying factor: the work space and the intimacy space start to mingle as many people get more and more used to working from home – the ‘couple-space’ got invaded.

When the ‘office’ is in the living room, there is only a wall or door between the office and the bedroom where we have our most intimate experiences. How can we deal with the idea that in order to act professionally we need to separate the office and work attitude from the home and relationship attitude? Can we just make the switch as we cross over the threshold in between the two? It seems that we cannot.

This close proximity very much intensifies the inner conflict between intimacy and career, speeding up the process of degeneration of relationships. A sad fact is that usually, by the time we have figured out that something is going wrong in our relationship, it’s already very late.

Things in common

Another major challenge faced by many couples is that, in time, the two lovers often discover that they don’t have common ideal to aim towards. This generates a feeling of ‘growing apart’. And while intimacy at home is fading, each one seeks more satisfaction and success in their work and career. A form of fulfilment migrates from the bedroom into the workplace.

Statistically, it is not uncommon that some people then also find comfort in the arms of colleagues from work; another person who shares corresponding values, ideals and experiences, not only a bed and the administrative details of life. Actually, we all want a person with whom we can naturally share our aspirations and daily concerns.

This or that?

Another interesting observation is that before we begin a relationship we manifest a strong and intense intention in the direction of the one we love. We mobilise our inner strength and pursue our goal to get together with the one we feel is right for us. We are involved, active and present. We pay attention, we care, we are creative and we manifest love. Yet, after our wish comes true, after a while, be it months or some years, the intensity of our interest starts to decrease.

The relationship becomes flat, while we start to put energy more into the work area. This happens because we don’t establish new goals to aim for in the relationship, while our work life resuscitates our interest again and again with new projects, new issues to be solved. It stimulates our attention, creativity and intelligence. Some people get trapped in this mechanism, focusing most of their inner power into work, at the heavy expense of their relationship.

On the other hand, there are others who choose the coziness and intimacy of the relationship at the expense of their career and aspirations in the world. Their job is formal – they work but they are not truly present. It is interesting to note that today’s statistics show 75-80% of employees are passive in their role. They participate below their level of possible engagement, ‘hanging’, instead of ‘pushing’ forwards to support the interests of the respective project. They know that if they will engage more than at a basic level, it will create problems at home and in their personal lives. It is a matter of choice.

How can this kind of person become more proactive in the interest of the company they are working for? It seems like there is no way out of this conflict, and that we are still left only with the choice between the two regretful options; a successful career in which we first sacrifice the relationship (and then other things that are meaningful to us) or we choose to have a relatively happy relationship, spending more time together, with lesser results in terms of career.

Daring to cut this Gordian knot

A wise ancient statement says the following:
“The way you are and manifest in intimacy, closely reflects how you are and manifest in life.”

The one who is full of fears in the bedroom, will live a life full of fears too. To put it simply, he or she will have a poor, dull life. On the other hand, if one is extremely creative in intimacy, daring and aiming enthusiastically to experience intensity in pleasure, multiple orgasms, ecstatic happiness – because he or she just heard it is possible – this person will be a force of nature also when they will be involved in a work-related project. And from this perspective, it appears that work and intimacy are quite intimately related!

It is important to also understand the following principle that puts our world in motion: Our consciousness needs some challenges, some goals to pursue, otherwise we become flat. We lose interest. And this is valid for everything.

In our careers we usually think about a future, we have plans for where we’ll be next year, in 5 years, 10 years! The best is yet to come. In the relationships, we have a past, beautiful memories that touch our heart. The best was in the beginning. And this is a big problem. Which of the two do you think will prevail? Of course, unconsciously, we tend to follow the easier option – putting more energy into work and subsequently ticking the check-box of the relationship, considering it is already ‘done’, accomplished, because we ‘have’ it already.

Read here the second part of this article …